Carry On

 I started doing Silver Ravenwolf's Great Release Challenge. Most years, I do at least part of it. The Release is often difficult because something always happens. But that's normal when you're trying to get rid of negative energy- it tends to ooze everywhere.

Yesterday, I simply had too much scheduled. I had three doctor appointments. First, I had an allergy shot at 10. I returned library books while I was out. I have a lot of animosity towards the allergist because I figured out that the vapes my sons smuggled into my house were the cause of my rashes. The allergist told me that my rash wasn't an allergic reaction, I just needed to stop rubbing whatever that irritant was on my skin. There is no evidence that anyone is allergic to vapes. They sent me to a dermatologist, who also could not figure out what was going on. Then Middle Son failed a drug screening because he had TCH in his system, then I found out TCH allergies are a thing, and hey! my cousin sent my a screenshot showing every fucking one of my symptoms. So when I go to the allergist to get the stupid Zolair shot that I don't think I need, it takes every ounce of self-control not to throw shit at the nurses. So that wore me out.

On the way home, I stopped at the family clinic to find out why no one had called about Middle Son starting drug rehab. Easy- they never sent the referral. He had a wellness exam in October. I brought up vaping then. He lied and said he quit. So the doctor agreed to do a nicotine screening in January. The following weekend, I caught him vaping. So I went back to the office, begged for a drug screening, waited another week for that appointment, then brought him to the office, and he immediately failed because he was vaping weed in the car sitting in the backseat on the way to the drug screening. I filled out paperwork for drug rehab. I was told someone would call. But they didn't, because the damn appointment for the January drug screening was still showing, and evidently they are too fucking dumb to see the TCH in the November drug screen, and I guess they thought I filled out that paperwork really early just for the hell of it. So why would they send the fucking referral? 

All that gave me a headache. When I got home, I ate lunch and vegged out until it was time for my physical therapy appointment at 1:30. Physical therapy has gotten easier, in that I no longer feel like vomiting from pain, but it is still demanding. So I didn't do anything when I got home.

I thought I had an appointment with the endocrinologist at 4. I got about four different texts informing me of my appointment on December 2 at 4. When I arrived, I was told the office closes at 4, my appointment is on Wednesday, December 4, and my doctor wasn't even at that office on Monday. Then she told me my appointment was in the wrong place in the computer, so I guess the receptionist was trying to find an excuse for the multiple text messages telling me to come in on the 2nd. I left and dropped some things off at goodwill, so I did do a little bit of the challenge, but I don't think it was enough. I was really pissed off, so I drank whiskey and just gave up on adulting.

This morning, I got a text from the endocrinologist telling me my Dec 4th appointment is at 4pm. Hmm. Didn't they close at 4 on Monday? I looked at the appointment card that was given to me on Monday and it does say 4, but 'follow-up' is spelled follow-upe. I don't know if they are trying to be maliciously unprofessional, or if they are truly that stupid. I can either call and hope someone answers, or I can show up and hope they have different hours on Wednesday for some strange reason. I did decide the next time I go in, I will make my co-pay in coins. I haven't decided if I will be nice and bring rolled quarters, or if I will bring $35 in pennies. 

Today, my plan for the Great Release Challenge was to just work slowly. I made a short list. I put cook dinner on the list, because I completely forgot to make food yesterday. I also wanted to decorate for Christmas, since I got all the storage boxes out Monday morning, intending to put up the tree Monday evening. 

But at 7 in the morning, the high school called me. 

I withdrew Middle Son the Tuesday after he failed the drug screening. It was a Tuesday because Monday was Veterans Day. They were keen to know what school I was going to put him in. I thought he would go off to drug rehab in a day or two, so I didn't have a school plan. My son has now missed three weeks of school. Admittedly, the week of Thanksgiving doesn't count, but when Youngest Son ran away and missed two weeks of school, I was forced to withdraw him or they were going to charge me with truancy. They asked if Middle Son would be returning. I said no, he gets drugs AT THE HIGH SCHOOL, and if I put him back, he will never get clean. 

She didn't ask what drugs he was addicted to, who was giving them to him, or if I had talked to anyone. She didn't seem to be the least concerned that the high school has a drug problem. All of her conversation pertained to not knowing how to code the withdrawal. 

Fuck, say it's a health issue since he needs treatment. Say it's family trauma since drugs is the reason why his brother ran away. Y'all knew how to code that, this is the exact same thing. Say I'm falling apart. Say the parents are under stress. Say my son isn't safe at school, and fucking admit fault already. 

I really want to put the Christmas tree. I think I should have done more to celebrate Halloween. Then we had the Thanksgiving snub, and I am just tired of my holidays being taken from me. I would like to enjoy something. I really like the Christmas tree. I love the lights. I like the stockings on the mantle. But I don't feel like doing a damn thing. I don't want to clean. I don't know what I could throw out. Saying the chants seems pointless. Why am I doing spells? Why am I trying to improve my life when clearly it will always be a struggle? 

I got nothing today, no advice, no wisdom, nothing. This is the hardest Release I've ever done and this is only the 3rd day. I've had a lot of shit come to a head before, but that was usually the end of things I was aware were falling apart anyway, like relationships ending or me realizing that dead-end job just wasn't worth it. IDK if this is more difficult because it's family, but I've made the decision to go no-contact with immediate family before, and it wasn't like this. Worse, my cards indicate more chaos surrounding Youngest Son, so probably the really bad thing hasn't happened yet. 

Before I could publish this, the high school called me again to complain that they still don't know what code to use. I told her to code it medical since he's going into treatment. She didn't know if that was possible, and put me on hold to go ask. Then she came back and said if they had documentation, then it was up to the principal. So I got the fax number, and I've got to call an office that won't pick up the phone, and then...maybe the principal does his job? Since drugs are distributed at the school, I can't believe I'm the only parent in the school's history to withdraw a child with the intent of sending him to rehab. WTF?