The Wolf Moon

 The moon is full. This is the first full moon of 2025. I made AI art yesterday and it was very well received, so I may do that for each full moon. 

I am really stressed. Youngest Son is still obviously on drugs. He went into a drug induced funk yesterday, which led to a huge argument. 

I was cleaning my studio. I got very excited about my new embroidery machine. I started thinking about all the cool things I could make. Then my husband pointed out that he wasn't sure where I would put it. I decided to make a sewing machine storage station. And that's why I was cleaning the studio. Things were going great. I was making real progress. Then the mother of one of Youngest Son's friends came over uninvited. And suddenly, the teenager who had been 'too sick' to get off the couch felt well enough to go to town with her. That's how the argument started.

My husband cannot let anything go. I tried several times to get him to step back, breathe, think. Youngest Son was on the defensive. He brought up the same thing over and over, endlessly describing what happened, trying to justify poor behavior until I told him we were all present and knew what happened. Then he started a very bad performance of pretending to be shocked that we did not believe he had quit his addiction. 

We spent the entire afternoon, from around 2 o'clock until dark, in the yard bickering. My husband finally calmed down. Youngest Son became more agreeable, though he never did apologize for anything. I doubt whether that conversation did any good. Probably today we will go through all this shit again. 

I say that because Youngest Son lied to me this morning. He neither walked nor fed the dogs. I know this because they were starved, and one dog begged to go out. When I walked her, she peed for two minutes straight, then shit twice. 

I have taken to carrying a smoky quartz with me for protection. I have a TCH allergy, which sends me into anaphylactic shock. I also react to vapes. I am allergic to dyes, perfumes, and preservatives, all of which are in vapes. When the boys put cannabis into vapes, I am a miserable, itching mess with a pounding headache. I was hoping my spell would keep these drugs out of the house, but instead, these things are revealed to me over and over. I can't get anyone else to see what I see. I am running out of antihistamines. 

Middle Son is also on drugs. He is currently staying next door with my in-laws. He is 19. I do not leave my sons unattended in the house. For years, my mother-in-law has been telling me that the boys are old enough to be alone and I should trust them more. Yesterday, she took her husband to the ER because she thought he had pneumonia. She called my husband to asked if Middle Son could stay with us because she didn't trust him to be alone in the house. I don't know what he has done to open her eyes, but I hope she worried nonstop as she sat in the waiting room. I glad she knows how I feel. 

I have lots of ideas about how I want to live my life. I would like to keep things simple. I would like to go back to work. I would like to create more. Each time I make steps towards these goals, my family blocks me. Nothing happens and I am left wandering aimlessly picking up random pieces of failed dreams. 

Maybe I need to be more selfish. Maybe I should start walking away during arguments instead of trying to get both parties to see reason. Maybe I should lock myself in the studio and just pray the house isn't on fire when I come out. 

The wolf moon's theme is family, though obviously, that isn't always a good thing. It's clearly a lesson I am struggling with, much like I struggled with higher mathematics. The only thing I really took from my college math classes is that math textbooks are poorly written. Probably family is a difficult concept poorly taught to the ignorant as we fumble through life. We don't even know the full equation, let alone how to solve it. 

Blessed be, my dears.