Horrifying Thought

 Last night, my husband and I were talking. I want to open a winery. My father had an impressive vineyard. He died ten years ago. My mother owns the land now. I do not get along with her. She delights in making me miserable. She is 84. I have been reassuring myself that she won't live forever. I planned to wait until she passed before I started making wine for profit. She has broken things around the house. She let pipes freeze at Christmas so we would be forced to spend the day with her, even though she insisted she didn't want to celebrate. She's thrown rocks at windows, then got annoyed that we stayed too long making repairs. She thought we would replace the glass and leave; she didn't realize the wood frame was rotten. I can totally see her ripping up muskadine vines. She is spiteful.

My husband pointed out that my mother could live another 20 years. The thought gave me an instant migraine. I don't think I will survive another 20 years if she is in my life.

What normally happens is I will decide to have a garden or a koi pond or I will want to use the greenhouse. I will start clearing, cleaning, repairing, and then my mother picks a fight with either me, my husband, or one of my children. She will be verbally abusive. Everyone becomes angry. She accuses us of lying, stealing, trespassing, or disrespect. I give up on my idea. I decide I have no choice but to be zero contact. A few days later, she will randomly appear at my house in a delightful mood, pretending whatever insult she sprewed never happened. 

I will still keep my distance. She increases her visits, sometimes showing up four times a day. She rants about her neighbors or her long dead siblings. I try not to let her in the house. When she leaves, I either take something for headache or start drinking, depending on time of day and intensity of bitching. It's exhausting. After some weeks or months, I will try again. My previous work is wasted. I must start over. Mom will come tell what I am doing is pointless. I should mop the floor instead or take boxes to Goodwill. Then she will find my husband to tell him that we can go ahead and do whatever we like with the house, she doesn't mind.

 But, if my husband is correct, and she does live to be a hundred, then that means it will be YEARS before I can reestablish the vineyard. It takes at least one year for wine to age. I need lots of bottles before I can sell wine. It would be several more years before I could open a winery. This is depressing.

I guess I have to start now, and keep going regardless of her nasty attitude. This means I will grow to hate my dream job, and it will be yet one more thing that's she's ruined. 

Goddess help.