Last Quarter Updates

 

The tree is up. I put it together and my daughter decorated. All seasonal decorations are stored at my mother's house because a long time ago, I thought we were moving to that property. It didn't happen. I don't really like being around my mother because she is a horrible person. So I put off getting the tree for weeks. 

Yesterday, my mother came here. For some reason, she walked up to the door, opened the screen, then around and left. I walked out onto the porch, calling for her. I know she saw me. I know she could hear me, but she was very busily pretending that she didn't. I kept calling, getting more annoyed, until I yelled, "I know you can hear me." She snapped back, "The fuck I can!" and kept walking. At the car, she made a very big production of pretending to glance up to notice me. Then she grumbled all the way back to the porch. 

And why did she come to my house? To tell me that she would no longer be shopping in a grocery store because the day before, she was 'accosted' by another customer and two employees watched without doing anything. Probably, she was muttering ugly, racist comments and someone took offense. One day, she's going to get her ass beat and she will cry about 'being attacked for no reason.' 

I am a type 1 diabetic. Roughly a year ago, I was told that my kidneys did not always function completely. I was given Ramipril, which is a blood pressure medication. I have low blood pressure. I was warned that if this medication made me dizzy or lightheaded, I would have to stop taking it. Apparently, Ramipril makes all liquids flow throughout the body. There's not a kidney medication. If this fails, they won't give me anything else and my kidneys just won't work. 

I decided to take a pill every other day. All seemed to be well. The doctor has not mentioned my kidneys again, so I guess this is doing its job.

Last week, on Monday, I got a little dizzy. I also had an upset stomach. I thought maybe I had taken the pills two days in a row instead of every other day because I get confused sometimes. So I stopped taking the Ramipril until this week. And again, on a Monday, I took the pill at breakfast. An hour later I was in the shower and I got really tired. I had to sit down. Then I was too dizzy to shower. It took a long time for me to get out, dry off, and get dressed. I felt like I was having a low blood sugar, but worse. My meter said I was in range, but dropping. I ate a brownie, thinking my meter hadn't caught up to what my sugar was doing.

I lay down, trying to think about what was happening to me. There wasn't any reason for my sugar to drop. Then I remembered last week, I felt very bad, and that's when I thought I took too many pills. I was feeling very horrible. I thought I might be dying, but I did not know what to do. Then I fell asleep. Later, I woke up and decided I couldn't take the Ramipril anymore. 

I put the pill bottle at the very back of the cabinet. Maybe if the doctor complains about my kidneys, I take one a pill a week or something. Maybe I will test my blood pressure before I take the pill. Maybe I will tell someone what I am doing so they can check on me. 

And those two things, my health and my mother, are the source of me feeling misery. Either one of my medical conditions flares up, or my mother does something illogical that I could not predict, and I feel drained. I never know which issue will steal center stage. I cannot do anything about it. I just wait until the thing isn't happening anymore. Maybe the next day will be better. Maybe it will be worse because multiple problems will happen at the same time. Maybe my mother comes to my house to tell me I am stupid bitch, then my allergies flare up and throat closes, so I forget to eat, and then my sugar drops, and I really want the day to be over, but it's only 9 in the morning. If my mother wasn't in my life, I would just have the medical stuff- the allergies, the diabetes, and the chronic pain from various injuries. At least I know what triggers those. 

Being that my life is in upheaval, nothing that I want to do is happening. I have not made any art. I have a plan for improving my shop, but I am not making anything, so I have nothing to list. I am trying to make my house better, but it's just me cleaning and organizing, and most days I don't feel well enough for that. I would like to spend more time outside, but I have to clean off the porch, and there's not much to do in the garden in the winter. I've had an idea for spells, I thought about it months ago, but I haven't done it yet. I did clean more of the library. It's almost the way I want it. That's a small consolation. 

So that's it, that's how things are going. Much like in 2016, I cannot comprehend what Dump is doing to the government. I do not have many memories from those years because I disassociated too much. Probably years from now, I will not remember much from this time. I decided to quit Facebook for a while. My sister-in-law has barely spoken to me all year, but she is selling at an event in Hunstville, and she sent me an invite through FB. It would take me four hours to drive there. I cannot stay overnight because I do not trust anyone to tend to my animals while I am away. So I spend half the day driving to support an in-law that can't give me the time of day, and then I would be driving into the night to get back home because my pets can't feed themselves. If that day is cold, which is a good possibility in December, then things are further complicated because the dogs and rabbit will be cold and so will my orange trees, that I can't bring inside because the cat will attack my plants. So no, I do not want to fucking go, and I see no benefit to driving to other end of the state for shopping, which I don't like doing anyway. Retail therapy has never been my thing. 

Blessed be, my dears. Trudge on, and good luck.